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A prominent Scottish MP has criticised the ineptitude of the American government, labelling it an ignorant ‘deaf panel‘ when it came to healthcare. Sarah McPalin attributed the sobriquet to the Congressional Panel set-up to review the US healthcare crisis, after investigations by the NHS revealed that the Senators simply couldn’t hear the wishes of the American people.

‘The American people have been shouting for affordable healthcare for decades,’ concluded the report. ‘Yet during that time both Republicans and Democrats have presided over steady increases in per capita healthcare costs, to their current level of the highest in the Universe.’

“I asked one Republican Senator if he knew the difference between the Soviet Union and the NHS, and he just didn’t react,” said a bemused Mrs McPalin. “He merely sat there, foaming at the mouth, and muttering the word ‘communist’ over and over again. I wanted to ring for an ambulance, but I wasn’t sure if he could afford the call-out cost.”

The madness of the US system is its price, revealed the NHS report, devouring 16% of the GDP of the richest nation – double that of most developed countries – to provide a quality of care which is ranked 37th – behind that of Costa Rica and Morocco. The system leaves approximately 50 million citizens without any coverage at all.

“Most people don’t want to have to choose between letting themselves or their bank accounts die prematurely,” lectured McPalin. “They’d just rather ‘profits’ were not added on top of ‘costs’ when it came to something as fundamental as health.”

The current Governor of Alaska defended the Congressional position by stating, “what you Brits have to understand is that in this Land of the Free and the Brave we believe in the Right of Personal Responsibility; Personal Responsibility to file your own medical bankruptcy and die freely and bravely in untreated agony. It’s a right we’d defend to the death.”

“What’s more, private healthcare simply isn’t effective,” asserted Sarah. “For proof, you needn’t look any further than Congress. Even though they can afford the most expensive private coverage available, not even their ears are functioning correctly. How they can work as a legitimate democratic government is anybody’s guess.”

“It’s almost as if they are there to intentionally kill real debate, make ignorant, emotive and groundless accusations, and ignore the proper interests of the American people,” concluded Anybody.

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