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An independent report for the Food Standards Agency into the ‘values of organic food’ has produced some extremely eye-opening results; if you discount all the toxic pesticides liberally doused upon intensively-farmed produce – down to stringent ‘organic levels’, then it has comparable health benefits with organically-produced food.

“This is shocking news. I never realised I was being so blatantly conned,” said one stunned Waitrose shopper as she put back an organic cucumber. “I mean, I normally sprinkle pesticides over my food anyway, so what’s the point in buying expensive organics now?”

The report also debunked other traditional organic concerns, such as protecting the environment. “Food and environmental protection have no established links,” voiced the FSA report. “And we should know, as we watched pesticides corrode the last proven link during the making of this report.”

This viewpoint was backed-up by top Sega-scientist Dr Robotnik, “A man has eaten food on the moon – what does that tell you about the necessity of eco-systems? The most important thing now is that we completely focus on intensifying yields as much as possible, to encourage obese people like me to eat more.”

The report dismissed the findings of a more comprehensive report conducted two years ago, which had concluded that organic food was actually more beneficial. “We had our suspicions that that report was a ‘pest’, so we immersed it in Roundup, and as it dissolved before our eyes, our grudges were confirmed,” answered Dr. Tomás de Torquemada, a spokesperson for the report.

Some claim that the timing of this report – swiftly following a positive EU report on organics – was a crude political calculation aimed at snatching headlines to support vested corporate interests. However Monsanto have helped to rebuke such allegations by announcing that “our top men on the inside have reliably informed us that the FSA has acted totally independently.”

In response, the government has decided to commission yet another multi-million study to discover if enough negative reports on organics will close the book once-and-for-all. “Government reports are akin to GM crops,” said a government official. “Once the country’s awash with them, you learn to accept them whether you like it or not.”

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